Marital Mayhem

 

I am writing this post with great personal risk to my life and marriage. If my husband knew of the delicate nature of the contents, he would likely run off with some tube-top sporting circus freak and change his name to Bubba just to maintain his anonymity. I usually talk about my life among the mayhem caused by my children, but today I am struck by the humor of the mayhem caused by the communication, or lack thereof, between the sexes.

I used to believe that the invisible wall that results in a complete semantic breakdown between my husband and myself was a unique feature to our house that realtor neglected to tell us when he was giving the tour. Can you imagine the dialogue, “And if you are in the kitchen and your spouse is in the living room, be warned that no conversation will ever end in diplomatic unity. This is due to the “Tick Off the Wife Wall. It is invisible, but scientists are working on a means of tracking the energy and locating the phenomenon.” Apparently this is a common geographical anomaly, because I have talked three different women through the process of eliminating vague directions. So, to help minimize the fallout of marital mayhem, I will provide a handy guide to interpreting wife-speak.

 

1. “I don't know, Honey. It is a little expensive.” I have found through my own experience that this somehow passes the male brain filter and translates as, “She is okay with my owning this **Fill in the blank here with ludicrous and absurd testosterone-dripping desire** as long as she doesn't have to find the money to pay for it.” What is going through the female brain before this phrase escapes her mouth is, “What the H*** would any human being want with a **Fill in the blank here with ludicrous and absurd testosterone-dripping desire**? Since it is absurdly outside our price range, I can tell him this and close the matter without seeming like a nagging meanie.”

I am currently awaiting a **Fill in the blank here with ludicrous and absurd testosterone-dripping desire** of which I did not successfully circumvent the purchase. My downfall came in not saying, “Honey, NO! I do not want **Fill in the blank here with ludicrous and absurd testosterone-dripping desire** in the same ten mile radius as me or anybody that I love, therefore when it comes, it can enjoy a cozy permanent home in the mailbox.”

 

2. “I would really like a **Fill in the blank with a modestly priced, modestly sized, logical desire**” This does not mean to buy an approximation or variation on said desire in a much larger caliber or with a much larger price tag. A television is still a television even if it doesn't swallow the entire living room and leave no place for the public to view it. A larger vehicle is still larger than your Honda even if it doesn't get a measly 6 MPG and roar like a wild beast. Despite attempts to convince the male population to the contrary by infamous television comedians of eras past who grunt at their bigger and badder mechanical devices, sometimes good enough is just...well, good enough

 

A good friend was complaining to her husband that she loved animals and would really like a modestly sized dog. In response, he purchased her a mildly gigantic dog rather than a behemoth dog that carries brandy in a keg and could carry a small family to safety after an avalanche. Her sweet canine has destroyed and dug up numerous items and always her sweet hubby says, “You said you wanted a dog.” To which I tell him for the sake of avoiding marital mayhem, “Yup, she said she wanted a dog, not a miniature horse crossbred with a tornado.”

 

3. Do what you want, Dear.” This is wife-speak for “Good heavens, don't ever do what you just said you were going to do. Search through the mental log of our previous conversations and do what I vaguely hinted that you should do.” If this phrase is uttered with a heaving sigh, DUCK. All Hell is about to break loose. This enumerated entry is more of a cry for reform to the female population. If you want a modestly sized dog, name the breed. Be specific. If you don't want to move to Siberia tell him that you are happy in your suburban paradise and would rather amputate a limb than follow him into the permafrost.

 

4. "Honey, you need to handle this.” This phrase is often muttered in exasperation with a disciplinary situation. Interpret this very carefully as “Perform a miracle in which the child learns the disciplinary lesson, never repeats the offending behavior, has a tear in his eye for the sin he has committed, and offers apologies and lollipops while planning his life as a missionary in a third world country.” This does NOT mean, “Become a whip-wielding drill sergeant who summers as an Alcatraz prison guard, withhold food and water while shouting insults about their intelligence and their genealogy, and top the whole operation with a sound thumping just so they will never forget it.” All joking aside, there has to be an honest compromise on this front. My husband and I would have a relationship of sunshine and roses if we didn't have to do all that parenting stuff which just causes conflict. Can't the children just live feral in the backyard and be raised by our dogs? The doghouse should be big enough; I requested my little toy-sized beauties by name.

There are so many that I am having a hard time listing them all. “Buy some milk and eggs at the store,” means, “Get the milk and eggs, but add some ice cream and hard liquor without spending any additional money.” “I have too much to do,” sincerely means, “Go do some dishes.” “The children are making me crazy,” means “Break out some tranquilizers and tuck in the minions.” “Leave me alone,” means “Leave me alone,” unless uttered while crying which then means, “Under no circumstances do you leave me alone, you chase me down like a bloodhound until I vent to you about every injustice that has bothered me since the moment that I was born until this exact second.” “Whatever,” secretly means, “Shutup!” “I have a headache,” translates to, “Oh My Gosh, go take a shower. I think something died in your back pocket.”

In truth, ladies. I think the issue here is us...well, maybe just me. I tend to be cryptic about my communicated desires... or undesires. I find myself all too often trapped in unwanted situations merely because I didn't communicate with absolution my expectations to the contrary. I don't buy into the whole Mars/Venus thing, because these personality conflicts are inherent in any relationship. But I am discovering that my partner doesn't have a crystal ball, or at the very least is lousy at reading it and doesn't see the raging anger that is imminent in his immediate future, merely due to his poor education in the intricately bizarre and cryptic language of Wife-speak.