**I must note that in researching and writing this piece, I found a newspaper article from a reputable source that suggested that video games are a good way for children to explore the world around them. Ummmmmm....I have a good suggestion for a way children can explore the world around them. How about going outside and (dramatic pause) exploring. Weird huh?**

I apologize for the lack of post last week, but I ran into a snag while trying to publish my rantings. The irony is that the reason for the snag was the exact offense that I was railing against. I completed the typing and cursory editing of my textual tantrum and when I tried to post it for the consumption of the entire world wide web, my computer had a electronic brain fart and began vomiting error messages about “invisible” somethings and “unable to display” thats. The culprit was clear, my minions' glassy-eyed and insatiable addiction to an evil and seductive medium.....

As a homeschooling family of the modern age, we inevitably spend a great deal of our time huddled around computerized curriculum. Before committing to a life of perpetual parenting insanity, I precluded starvation through employment at a news desk AND doing desktop publishing, so I am no slouch when it comes to navigating my electronics, BUT I have been thwarted from innumerable tasks by bizarre alterations that my preschooler has proudly inflicted on my computer. Last week he changed my instant messaging program from Italian (which I read) to Korean (which I don't). It took two hours of random guesswork to locate the correct toolbar and revert the settings to a legible language. I do apologize profusely to those that received video calls of my pajama-clad and cursing visage, and if you used to be my friend and notice that you are no longer, please don't take it personally.

I am not one to subscribe to conspiracy theories. I do not believe that any one politican is the Anti-Christ (I have adopted a more two-party and three-branch composite theory, but....), I do not believe that food coloring is a mind control agent or that public schools are trying to brainwash our children, at least not all at once. I do however believe that Voldemort, Satan, Maleficent, Doctor Octopus, The Galactic Alliance, Daleks, Death Eaters, and The Legion of Doom have teamed up to puree the gray matter of our young and remove their ability to resist the siren calls of (duh, duh, duh) VIDEO GAMES.

Indeed, my superpowers of bladder control have become superhuman because I know that the moment my heinie leaves the chair, which perches in front of my computer desk, another tiny minion bottom will be there to make sure it is good and warm. I always emerge from any task to see a child with their little button nose nearly pressed to the screen in the avid and frantic attempt to sneak to the next level before mom can finish peeing. (My daughter wants it noted that she doesn't do any of these sneaky video game techniques, which is miraculous since her Spa Day makeover website was the one that imbibed my hard drive with parasites LAST time we had to reformat. It was kind of a sick game actually that had me reacting with a combination of humor and horror. In this “game” there is an animated face and a very obvious unibrow that required plucking or pimples that required exfoliating. I really couldn't make this stuff up.)

The sad thing is that literally every moment that I am not glued to the chair or hovering like a vulture over their shoulders, my minions are playing video games. Note that I said games in the plural sense, it doesn't seem to matter what game it is as long as they have a vague sense that they are controlling something and there is a goal at the end. Oh, and it has to be completely void of social value. I have already tried introducing educational games to hopefully satisfy this arbitrary need to play superfluous electronics. But alas, unless it is completely mind melting, the appeal is limited or non-existent.

 

As I complained about before, I recently dragged my six maniacal minions on a trip to California. In an attempt to maximize our time and resources, we downloaded maps, apps., and GPS directions on our fruit-related telephone. Each day we inexplicably only made it two hours or so before the phone sighed in exhaustion and collapsed into a black-screened coma. We were beginning to wonder if there were flaws with the battery when I started observing the quiet absence of my six-year-old minion during the lag time between activities. Employing my inner bloodhound, I sniffed him out in his little Fortress of Solitude hidden behind the veil of tablecloths in the dining room. He might as well have had a hot plate and a coffee maker, because he had squirreled away snacks and there he sat unblinkingly playing any random free application that he could sneak in before anybody noticed his absence. This truly has me gasping in horror. We had PACKED this excursion with roller coasters, ghost towns, museums, surfing, fuzzy woodland creatures singing Zippety Doo Dah; what possible NEED was there to fill the vacant seconds with superfluous time-wasters? I mean, there wasn't that much time to waste. The only answer I could pluck from the chaos was plain old fashioned addiction. The heroine that they lace those fruit-labeled consoles with is inescapable.

What is worse than the constant barrage of IQ-sucking time-wasters is the vile phrase, “What else am I going to do? I am bored.” I tell my children constantly that, “Only boring people are bored.” I am horrified to say that by this criteria, I have spawned six of the most bland people in existence. What else are they going to do? Read, draw, sing, play an instrument, go outside, socialize with friends, build something, invent something, color a picture, play with play dough, knit, sew, crochet, sing, listen to music, bake, plot world domination....or heaven forbid we actually dig the floor out from the carpet of toys and debris that give our entire home a protective coating.

I would like to conclude with some finality in purpose or some resolution for change, but frankly I am nearly reaching the point of complete resignation. I have embraced my position in this world as the weird Amish lady at the end of the street who sits on her porch and slurps lemonade intermittently while spinning yarn on my spinning wheel. (Truly my favorite summer afternoon relaxation activity) Apparently my minions are in denial of their inevitable eccentric status. Either way, I am afraid that mind-melting video games are here to stay, I just hope that I am not the unwitting observer of a gruesome scene alla Indiana Jones where I watch my six little investments of love and time, melt into a puddle of liquid stupidity.